An Open Letter

Dear loved one -

You may have been wondering why I have not replied to your email. Or why your phone calls to me reach no one but the cold, robotic murmurs of virtual voice messaging or a lonely-sounding girlfriend. You may have been unlucky enough to run into me on the street and thought to yourself, “Damn, that boy is not looking very good these days,” followed by “why is his face so dirty? Wait, is that supposed to be facial hair?”

No, I haven’t joined a cult, and I haven’t lost my last shred of self-dignity and taken to surfing porn sites all day whilst wearing greasy sweat pants. While I’d love to be able to say something dramatic like, “have I ever told you about how absolutely delightful Scientology is?”, the truth is much more mundane. I’m writing a book.

Yes. After months of frenzied negotiations, frantic phone calls at 3am, and long periods of self-doubt interrupted with brief moments of Rock Star: INXS to make me feel temporarily superior, I’m writing a book for O’Reilly. The contract is finally signed and all that’s left now is for me to write, write, write like my life depended on it.

I’m reminded at this point by Joe Clark’s response to my statement, “‘I’ve been offered the opportunity to write a book,” which was simply “Don’t”. Or another experienced author’s sage advice that I “stay hydrated and shower often”. Needless to say, I’ve ignored both of their advice.

Assuming I get through this process without losing my mind (or my girlfriend), I will hopefully post more information as I get closer to finishing. But for now, if you send me email or call me and I don’t reply, please don’t take it personally. I’m probably off in a damp, dark room somewhere, staring blank-eyed at my computer.

Love, Neil

ISSN 1499-7894
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